ANYA: This is the man that I plan to entangle,
Isn’t he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle,
Vengeance was mine!
But I’m out of the biz.
The name I made, I’ll trade for his,
The only trouble is…
I’ll never tell.
XANDER: She is the one,
She’s such wonderful fun,
Such passion and grace.
Warm in the night when I’m right in her tight—
Embrace! Tight embrace!
I’ll never let her go ,
The love we’ve known can only grow.
There’s just one thing that — no —
I’ll never tell.
BOTH: ‘Cuz there’s nothing to tell.
ANYA: He snores.
XANDER: She wheezes.
ANYA: Say ‘housework’ and he freezes.
XANDER: She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can’t describe.
ANYA: I talk, he breezes.
XANDER: She doesn’t know what ‘please’ is.
ANYA: His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!
BOTH: The vibe gets kind of scary.
XANDER: Like she thinks I’m ordinary.
ANYA: Like it’s all just temporary.
XANDER: Like her toes are kind of hairy.
BOTH: But it’s all very well
‘Cuz god knows, I’ll never tell!
ANYA: When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy!
Now look, he’s getting huffy
‘Cuz he knows that I know.
XANDER: She clings.
She’s also really greedy.
ANYA: His eyes are beady!
XANDER: This is my verse, hello! She—
ANYA: (spoken) Look at me! I’m dancing crazy!
BOTH: You know…
XANDER: You’re quite the charmer.
ANYA: My knight in armor.
XANDER: You’re the cutest of the Scoobies,
With your lips as red as rubies,
And your firm yet supple—
ANYA: He’s swell.
XANDER: She’s sweller.
ANYA: He’ll always be my feller.
XANDER: That’s why I’ll never tell her that I’m petrified.
ANYA: I’ve read this tale,
There’s wedding, then betrayal.
I know there’ll come the day I’ll want to run and hide.
BOTH: I lied,
I said it’s easy.
But there’s these fears I’ve can’t quell.
XANDER: Is she looking for a pot of gold?
ANYA: Will I look good when I’ve gotten old?
XANDER: Will our lives become too stressful if I’m never that successful?
ANYA: When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
XANDER: Am I crazy?
ANYA: Am I dreamin’?
XANDER: Am I marrying a demon?
BOTH: We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank god, I’ll never tell!
I swear that I’ll never tell!
XANDER: My lips are sealed.
ANYA: I take the Fifth.
XANDER: Nothing to see,
Move it along.
BOTH: I’ll never Tell!
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