Ha! Far from it, Jen.
I played Dungeons and Dragons…once. One night a long, long time ago I ended up at the house of a friend of a co-worker. The girl that lived there, I guess, was pretty into D&D because it was the first form of entertainment offered. Honestly, I was excited, because I love games and dragons and I’d never had those two loves intersect before. It went down hill almost immediately, or rather, it went down dungeon.
I don’t remember if we got to pick what creatures we were? I know I was something small like an elf, or a gnome or a hobbit or a fraggle. What I do remember is that we were given scraps of paper and and a few moments to write down things that we would carry with us if we were going on a long adventure. I wrote down:
a key, rope, bread, pouch of coins, book, knife
the dungeon master is reading a story and I realize that our characters are standing in front of a locked door. I have no idea if I should say something? But it really seems like I should say something.
"I have a key." the dungeon master drones on. " I HAVE A KEY." Everyone is looking at me.
One of my best friends leans over and looks at my scrap of paper, “she totally wrote down key.”
The dungeon master is scowling at me. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to say anything.
DM: “Do you wish to use the key?”
me: “Yeah, SURE, youbetcha!” (dialect of the North Dakotashire Dwarfs)
the dungeon girl rolls something and says “the key works but, vanishes never ever ever to be used again, ever.” or something like that.
I was quiet for awhile after that but, we all ended up in this pub, waiting for some wizard to helps us with something and the wizard finally shows up and he’s just going on and on and on. So I say,
"Look, are you going to help us or not?"
oh wait, I remember what D&D creature I was - impatient smurf.
Dungeon Master: “let’s roll the dice to see if the wizard kills you, where you sit, for your impudence.” (is the DM supposed to show genuine disappointment when impudent smurf isn’t smote by long-winded wizard?)
I’m pretty sure I’m pissing off the dungeon master. This can’t be good. I realize I don’t care.
My memories are hazy about how the game ended but I’m pretty sure I was banished from the kingdom by the dungeon master and carted off by my elven friends while shrieking ‘where the hell are the dragons?’
Anyway, Moss is right, it was far from sex.
I would totally play again but I’m pretty sure I have a life-long world-wide ban.
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