The Honey Pot


PrincessCousin: what section would I find ReadyMade magazine in?

me: ummm…architecture…crafts…lifestyle…DIY…I haven’t stocked magazines in 15 years..

PrincessCousin: ahahahaha, no, those are good answers!

me: I’M ON MY BREAK, ma’am. A break, I’ve been on for 80 years. What sections did you look in?

PrincessCousin: I found myself near the knitting magazines and I just ran away. I didn’t want anyone to see me and think I was looking at those.

me: hahahaha, like porn.

PrincessCousin: worse than porn.

me: oh you. I’m going to quote you on this later.

PrincessCousin: Uuuuggghh.

This is a series of conversations with my cousins from last summer (9.2011 ish) and I just got around to doing the last two drawings today. We are all adults. One of the points of this, beyond that it makes me laugh, is that a big reason that I’m on the internet is so I can worship Unicorns and Tom Hardy freely.

me: Tom Hardy is My Boy

PrincessCousin: NO HE IS NOT!

me: ha. I know. I was just checking to see if you were paying attention, because you almost never are.

~weeks later~

me: Tom Hardy is our boy.

CousinManlius: Yep!

PrincessCousin: No!

me: oh come on, what are you even going to do with him?

PrincessCousin: (crestfallen)

me: remember when I broke your spirit, just now?

PrincessCousin: yes.


me: what about a trade? (I offer up some names)

PrincessCousin: No, I don’t think there is anyone.

me: Ok, I was going to be civilized. Now, WE FIGHT! ~Bronson Style!~

PrincessCousin: What are you going to do? Grease yourself up?

me: I will bring a librarian in here!

(we all laugh)

CousinManlius: (turns to his little sister) We will f*cking roll you.


me: (pitifully, desperately) Tom Hardy is my boy?

PrincessCousin: No.

me: *sigh* fine. I’m okay with whatever I am currently doing with him.

PrincessCousin: I can live with that.

me: What is open after 10pm in this town?

PrincessCousin: like, just anything?

me: I don’t know (sigh) It’s just a question I’ve been exploring a lot lately.

PrincessCousin: (she names a restaurant) and Walgreens.

me: is there any place to get coffee?

PrincessCousin: god NO. X closes at 6 and X closes at 5:30.

me: yeah, and starbucks closes at 10.

PrincessCousin motions to a magazine cover that is between us on the couch


PrincessCousin: I KNOW!

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! ( I knock it off the couch onto the floor for safety reasons) It was touching my phone… Oh yeah, your mom has a life long eternal crush on him, doesn’t she?

PrincessCousin: yeah.

me: imagine that. imagine taking Donnie Osmond as your one true crush for all your life. I don’t want to know what that feels like. Let’s do a review. Who’s your weirdest crush? Who’s your longest crush?

PrincessCousin: longest weirdest crush?

me: two separate questions.

PrincessCousin: John Tesh. one answer.

me: hahahaha OH GOD. I forgot about that!

(she’s kidding.this was actually a VERY brief phase of PrincessCousin’s. She was really young and wanted one of his CD’s. I bought it for her.)

me: see for me, it would be Alan Alda, because I was, like, 4. That’s long and weird.

PrincessCousin: Really?. oh…Billy Ray.

me: no. what? Cyrus? This was before John Tesh?

PrincessCousin: yeah.

me: ok, but when you are whatever age your mom is, you aren’t going to have a magazine of them on your coffee table and whenever you see it you shoot heart eyes…right?

PrincessCousin: NO.

me: yeah, and I don’t know if I’d shoot heart eyes at Alda but, I do think he is a really cool guy. forever.

PrincessCousin: Shia?

me: yeah. that has been a long time for you. Isn’t he kind of an Ass?

PrincessCousin: a hot ass.

me: hahaha. fair enough.

PrincessCousin: ugh, I don’t remember my life. I don’t know.

me: okay…let’s see. for me, in elementary it would have been the Coreys and River Phoenix in middle school add on Christian Slater and Donnie Wahlberg and High School…I don’t know? Ewan McGreggor probably is my longest lasting cinematic crush, that was like, 19 to now and probably forever…Tom Hardy ~feels~ like forever. hahahah!

PrincessCousin: *SCOWL*

me: I know he’s your boy! I just… have to do lots of things with him…like watch all his movies [and build a religion around his Fance.]

PrincessCousin: ok. as long you know, that’s fine.

YOU, GO! First crush? Weirdest crush? Longest crush?

So, I was at a very intimate, Party of Two, Oscar party tonight.

We had views of the (industrial) city skyline and the moon and the river. We ate red & green curry and popcorn, had a toasty fire in the fireplace and really tricky photographic lighting scenarios (let’s call it mood lighting) and a giant TV. PrincessCousin was my date.

and then she drove me home. Best date this year.

"I’m looking at tumblr for the first time in months. Please stop posting photos of ridiculously large animals that should be small. Is scaring the shit out of me. -PrincessCousin

I told her to just stop looking at things.

Was it the Betty White picture?

I don’t usually post pictures of my people but these my people have a pretty good understanding of the internet and minimum 80% of us have tumblrs. So, here are some of my cousins and some highlights of December 27th Christmas.

I’ve found very little evidence that anyone else in the world, besides us, plays Hugger Mugger.

"Better beans and bacon in peace than cakes and ale in fear."

CousinManlius: Oh, when we were in China we were getting so many fliers under our hotel room door, for BangMaids, and one of them looked quite a bit older than the others…so, we collected all of them and made a card game.

You know, like old maid.

Me: I feel sick.

PrincessCousin: *stare*

Me: Butts!
CousinManlius: butts!

(This has been Jennifer, CousinManlius, and PrincessCousin watch RocknRolla.)

I don’t know why PrincessCousin didn’t shout. I thought I helped raise her up right.


I have 16 left over egg yolks from making four batches of coconut macaroons. I’ll be spending a lot of time in the kitchen for the next few days…

please remember to eat some food.

fooder ya know, minus the bacon, for you.

fooder omfg put this in your mouth!

make some leafy green cookies!

make a sandwich cake

make ME a sandwich cake minus the shrimp, because, shrimp.


not your mom