For twenty minutes before my dad and uncle arrived home with food I was able to sit in a dark quiet room, reading and drinking a beer. I had walked Jazz twice. worked several hours at Unclettton’s house. showered.
It feels like years, it probably has been years since I’ve really done that. like. felt. enjoyed. relaxed a little. had a story reach me. all at once.
and then they were home. I grabbed another beer to have with my dinner, talked to my dad a little. ate a little.
UncleDucey is mentioning to AuntMurble that there is something wrong with his nebulizer. He has been gone all day but I was with him all morning and he didn’t mention anything to me. I could have fixed it or gotten a replacement (it’s a rental) before he came home but he didn’t mention it to me.
I try to enjoy my food and talk to my dad.
AuntMurble (from the living room): isn’t this piece supposed to come off?
I wait but this goes on.
me (to my dad): I guess I should go in there. I’m the one that knows how to take it apart.
me: Yes. that part comes off…unless this is a new machine?
AuntMurble: no. it’s not new. I got the mouthpiece off, Jennifer, I’ll go soak it.
UncleDuecy: You used to clean it.
me: I don’t clean it anymore because you told me there was no reason to.
I pull the tubing off and check for blockages. We check the nebulizer. it works when the tube is detached.
UncleDuecy: you better run in the kitchen and clean it up.
me: I’m not running to do anything.
not now. not while Murble is already doing something in the kitchen. later. the tube isn’t the problem.
I go back to the dining room. say goodbye to my dad. sit down to eat.Murble is in a tizzy. she doesn’t ask for help. (I’ve offered by the way) she snaps at me. I eat just enough so I’m not hungry and put the rest away until I can enjoy it. I sit in my room. My head hurts.
I hear a noise so I check on everybody. Ducey is fine. Murble? neither of us are sure. I make a joke. we both laugh.
I’ll be in my room for the rest of the night. trying to find that peace I found for a few minutes today. I did just about everything I could for them, in a much more removed way than before. It doesn’t feel better, only different. Ducey will have a new nebulizer tomorrow.