The Honey Pot

steamy spoilers

Erin Heather asked me if Outlander was ~too steamy~ to watch with, like, a mom type person. So, I walked her through the first five episodes in about 60 (not so steamy. misty maybe.) steamy seconds.

Last night I sent my dad a text asking him if he wanted to go to a movie with me and help me run some errands.

dad: SURE!

today we have three conversations about the movie I very clearly want to see.

dad: I don’t know what that is.

me: it’s the one with Tom Hardy, James Gandolfini, and Noomi Rapace.

dad: hmmm.

me: it’s from a short story by Dennis Lehane called Animal Rescue…

dad: *sigh*

me: it has a cute puppy.

dad: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?

I read him the description of the film.

*crickets*

we finish my errands, which is such a relief.

Me: hmmm. We have time to either eat or go to the movie…and you don’t seem excited about the movie.

dad: It’s not that I’m not excited. I …just…don’t know.

me: (THAT’S THE ACTUAL FUCKING DEFINITION OF NOT BEING EXCITED) I’ll go to the movie by myself.

dad: *overly dramatic faux sympathetic noises* AWWWW!

me: It’s not like that. I like going to movies by myself. I might prefer it in this case.

the food was really delicious and WHATEVER DAD, I DIDN’T WANT TO GO TO A TOM HARDY MOVIE WITH YOU ANYWAY!

AuntMurble: everything is displayed so nicely!

Me: yes. I rearrange things every few minutes to keep things fresh. ( this is a joke. We’ve only had one person at the sale since the morning rush. I’m rearranging things to keep warm)

AuntMurble: you should be in retail!

Me: you stop that right now.

OldFamilyFriend: well here’s an idea- don’t take nudes of yourself!

Me: no. I’m sorry. But NO. People are entitled to live their lives.

AuntMurble: there’s a right to privacy there.

Me: they need to find who did that and charge them with sexual assault.

AuntMurble: they do.

as I’m walking out of the room

AuntMurble: I don’t have a Hook Knife, do I?

me: *walks back into room* What’s a hook knife? describe it.

AuntMurble: oh, I don’t know. I was just told to bring a hook knife if I had one.

me: I’ll google it. I’ll grab your hammer and anything that looks like a hook knife.

… 10 seconds later …

me: this isn’t a hook knife but it’s the closest thing I could find in my 10 second search of your tools.

AuntMurble: no. that’s a tack puller.

me: *hook knife eyes*

(I walk away so I don’t hook knife her. and when I’m safely upstairs I say)

You’re Welcome.

AuntMurble: it cost $24 to fix the car!

me: cool. good thing you waited, so you could save up!

AuntMurble: yes. and I had to give myself some time to worry about it.

me: yeah, months.

AuntMurble: yes, about exactly two months. Now I know what that sound is, if it ever happens again.

me: you’re going to start identifying weird car sounds as a hobby. okay.

i sent her a fucking teacup.

I know I’m on the right track in the human-ing department because The Claire deemed me a glorious bastard rainbow person.

notso-darling:

I’m trying to focus on work over here, but contemplating the spiritual and religious significance of Jennifer’s jesusmelon is so much more interesting.

me: You just turned away from the best part!

UncleDucey: what? I didn’t know what it was, do you want me to turn back?

me: nah, I’ve seen it but, Amy Adams is about to fearlessly dive into a pit of Mark Wahlberg’s (characters) sisters and kick all their asses. It’s the best part of The Fighter. It’s magical.

(certainly way more magical than a rerun of NCIS)

dad: Jon Stewart did a great piece on Ferguson.

me: yeah, I saw it.

dad: “if you’re tired of hearing about it, imagine living it”

me: some people can only hear at the frequency of Old White Man, so it’s really important that his voice is in the mix.

dad: *laughs* yeah.