The Honey Pot
razadeluna:

Who needs context?

a flaming crying pile of poop emoticon would serve so many of my communication needs.
also, have you met my friend, Eeebs? She’s 100% perfect girlfriend material! I didn’t need a buzzfeed quiz to tell me that, one time she made me a potato pie with a tater tot crust. and that’s when we entered into our marriage of inconvenience.

razadeluna:

Who needs context?

a flaming crying pile of poop emoticon would serve so many of my communication needs.

also, have you met my friend, Eeebs? She’s 100% perfect girlfriend material! I didn’t need a buzzfeed quiz to tell me that, one time she made me a potato pie with a tater tot crust. and that’s when we entered into our marriage of inconvenience.


me: you have a religious artifact in your yard. come look.
AuntMurble: …oh. yes. I know!
me: you. know. it’s just in the shrubbery. I thought one of the church groups must have dropped it there…
AuntMurble: no. I did.
me: okay.
AuntMurble: one of the neighbors was having a yard sale and insisted I take one because she made a bunch.
me: so. you tossed it on the ground in the front yard?
AuntMurble: I was going to display it artfully.
me: but for now, tossed like trash in the front yard.
AuntMurble: yeah.

me: you have a religious artifact in your yard. come look.

AuntMurble: …oh. yes. I know!

me: you. know. it’s just in the shrubbery. I thought one of the church groups must have dropped it there…

AuntMurble: no. I did.

me: okay.

AuntMurble: one of the neighbors was having a yard sale and insisted I take one because she made a bunch.

me: so. you tossed it on the ground in the front yard?

AuntMurble: I was going to display it artfully.

me: but for now, tossed like trash in the front yard.

AuntMurble: yeah.

UncleDucey is in the shower so his TV and remote are in play. I’m just passing through to get coffee when I see Murble flipping through the guide.

me: ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT TURNING AWAY FROM THE UNSUB SHOW?!?

AuntMurble: I’m just exploring my options.

me: twilight.

AuntMurble: ugh

me: it could be the Paul Newman/ Susan Sarandon movie? nope. it’s the glittery vampire movie.

AuntMurble: I’ll leave it on the glittery vampires. See how long it takes him to say “what is this shit?”

me: I like this game.

AuntPretty1 and AuntMurble return from the Farmer’s Market and have spread their purchases across the dining room table

me: wow. did you leave any sugary items at the market? Didn’t they have any, like, broccoli?

AuntPretty1: Farmers don’t do broccoli anymore, only pastries.

I’m standing in the kitchen clutching my hot sandwich (stomach or hunger)

me: I am in need of massive quantities of fried foods.

AuntMurble: are you?

me: *shrug* yeah. but I’ll have some more grapes.

AuntMurble: I could pick up bar food.

me: but you’re making quiche.

AuntMurble: I can make quiche tomorrow!

me: I like where this is going.

HOT SANDWICH! (while patting stomach. an exclamation of excitement when all your tiny fried dreams come true)

AuntMurble: oh. now I remember. When I went upstairs I was going to grab an old pillowcase.

*takes broom off hook*

me: Watcha doing? (I get nervous for several reasons when I see her with cleaning supplies or tools)

AuntMurble: I was going to dust…

me: you could use the duster…

AuntMurble: I’m headed to the sunporch. I can just throw away the pillowcase afterwards.

me: yeah. okay. we do things differently. *sigh* I’m heading upstairs. I will toss down a pillowcase. Just please do not throw away the broom or duster or…

AuntMurble: Geeze! I wouldn’t! I’m not that disposable!

me: I’m saying this because you’ve done it before.

AuntMurble:  oh. okay. look out Jazz! we are going to fight today!

me: nope. I’m going to sit quietly in my room.

*throws down three pillow cases*

me: these all feel like they have polyester in them.

AuntMurble: THESE ARE ALL COTTON!

me: *SIGH* *opens linen drawer*

AuntMurble: hold on. let me read the label. Oh. yeah. they are all poly-blends.

me: YEAH.

and for the record. I do not want dickpics. I want DICKS WITH FUTURES, tumblr’s new coffee table book (if I keep saying it’s tumblr’s new book, maybe it will happen).

and for the record. I do not want dickpics. I want DICKS WITH FUTURES, tumblr’s new coffee table book (if I keep saying it’s tumblr’s new book, maybe it will happen).

"My favorite part was when Tanya cracked her hard-boiled egg on that horrible little white girl’s head."

- me discussing film

this line always works

this line always works

my taller weirder prettier cousin called me on NOT MY PHONE (Murble’s home line). again. some of you might remember, she left a message for me last year on Murble’s line giving me about 8hrs notice to pick her up at the airport. It was some sort of miracle that I checked the machine. I’m really hostile right now and chatting (with almost anyone) makes me super anxious. I am aware of these things but, I haven’t found a good coping mechanism.

me: can I call you back from my phone? (because otherwise, I’ll have to stand in Murble’s bedroom and talk to you and that’s not going to help the situation)

twpcousin: sure.

me: Hi. just to be clear. This is my number. the phone I’m calling from is my only number.

twpcousin: well, you gave me that other number at some point?

me: I’ve had my number for close to a decade. I’m trying to tell you my number. again. so you can have it in your address book. you don’t have my correct email address either.

twpcousin: well, I don’t really feel like sorting out my address book right now. some people change their information too much.

me: okay. guess we aren’t clearing this up.

She talks about her job. and I think it’s going pretty well she struggled to find a position for her degree and she’s going into a second contract. which is great and I tried to tell her so.

twpcousin: what’s new with you? heard any good music? read any good books?

me: nothing is new with me. It’s all the same stuff. let me think about what I’ve read…I finished the Game of Thrones books recently. everybody dies.

twpcousin: The Unicorn series?

me: haha. no Game of Thrones. Song of Ice and…I’m going to start the Unicorn series next I bet it’s amazing! I should see if I can find a Glitter series.

twpcousin: hahaha. I saw a book about glitter and almost bought it for you!

me: thanks for thinking of me but I’m glad you didn’t buy it. I have too much stuff. I should get rid of everything or…idk.

twpcousin: Can I give you some advice? smoke some weed and organize!

me: haha. I’m really organized. that’s not really the problem I don’t think.

twpcousin: what is the problem?

me: well, I’m without a home. I can stay here and continue to help with my uncle or, I guess, get rid of everything and leave, or…

twcousin: You should move to Colorado!

me: I don’t want to move to Colorado. If I move anywhere, it would probably be east or west coast. (or out of country. and actually I love Iowa. )

twpcousin: maybe I should call another time.

me:I’m not good on the phone. I…really don’t want to talk about myself. it’s all the same as it was a year ago.

twpcousin: This feels like a bad time. I’m feeling really attacked right now. You don’t want to talk to me. You don’t want to move to Colorado because of me.

me: I’m not trying to attack you. I’m trying to be clear and me not wanting to move to Colorado has nothing to do with you but, feel free to make it about you.

twpcousin: I can’t be around negativity right now.

me: then I’m a bad person to be talking to. I love you. I’ll talk to you some other time. maybe. bye.

It went pretty well!