many days of poop sexting.
I found the key to happiness.
Who needs context?
a flaming crying pile of poop emoticon would serve so many of my communication needs.
also, have you met my friend, Eeebs? She’s 100% perfect girlfriend material! I didn’t need a buzzfeed quiz to tell me that, one time she made me a potato pie with a tater tot crust. and that’s when we entered into our marriage of inconvenience.
me: you have a religious artifact in your yard. come look.
AuntMurble: …oh. yes. I know!
me: you. know. it’s just in the shrubbery. I thought one of the church groups must have dropped it there…
AuntMurble: no. I did.
AuntMurble: one of the neighbors was having a yard sale and insisted I take one because she made a bunch.
me: so. you tossed it on the ground in the front yard?
AuntMurble: I was going to display it artfully.
me: but for now, tossed like trash in the front yard.
UncleDucey is in the shower so his TV and remote are in play. I’m just passing through to get coffee when I see Murble flipping through the guide.
me: ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT TURNING AWAY FROM THE UNSUB SHOW?!?
AuntMurble: I’m just exploring my options.
me: it could be the Paul Newman/ Susan Sarandon movie? nope. it’s the glittery vampire movie.
AuntMurble: I’ll leave it on the glittery vampires. See how long it takes him to say “what is this shit?”
me: I like this game.
AuntPretty1 and AuntMurble return from the Farmer’s Market and have spread their purchases across the dining room table
me: wow. did you leave any sugary items at the market? Didn’t they have any, like, broccoli?
AuntPretty1: Farmers don’t do broccoli anymore, only pastries.
I’m standing in the kitchen clutching my hot sandwich (stomach or hunger)
me: I am in need of massive quantities of fried foods.
AuntMurble: are you?
me: *shrug* yeah. but I’ll have some more grapes.
AuntMurble: I could pick up bar food.
me: but you’re making quiche.
AuntMurble: I can make quiche tomorrow!
me: I like where this is going.
HOT SANDWICH! (while patting stomach. an exclamation of excitement when all your tiny fried dreams come true)
AuntMurble: oh. now I remember. When I went upstairs I was going to grab an old pillowcase.
*takes broom off hook*
me: Watcha doing? (I get nervous for several reasons when I see her with cleaning supplies or tools)
AuntMurble: I was going to dust…
me: you could use the duster…
AuntMurble: I’m headed to the sunporch. I can just throw away the pillowcase afterwards.
me: yeah. okay. we do things differently. *sigh* I’m heading upstairs. I will toss down a pillowcase. Just please do not throw away the broom or duster or…
AuntMurble: Geeze! I wouldn’t! I’m not that disposable!
me: I’m saying this because you’ve done it before.
AuntMurble: oh. okay. look out Jazz! we are going to fight today!
me: nope. I’m going to sit quietly in my room.
*throws down three pillow cases*
me: these all feel like they have polyester in them.
AuntMurble: THESE ARE ALL COTTON!
me: *SIGH* *opens linen drawer*
AuntMurble: hold on. let me read the label. Oh. yeah. they are all poly-blends.
and for the record. I do not want dickpics. I want DICKS WITH FUTURES, tumblr’s new coffee table book (if I keep saying it’s tumblr’s new book, maybe it will happen).